The Great Squirrel Attack of '24

What you are about to read is treacherous, there is no doubt, but be brave reader and take comfort that no people or wild animals were hurt. 

It was a typical spring day outside door 3 this morning.  Kids were lining up and parents were standing around talking. Henry squeezed an apple sauce pouch too hard and the contents launched onto Charlie’s backpack (remember this as it will be important later on). 

The 3rd graders from 210 were the first to start going in and it was then that we heard a commotion. The kids from 205 and 207 were crowding around, and that is when I heard a parent say “there is a live squirrel over there!”  

I went to check it out and there on Charlie's bookbag eating apple sauce was a squirrel roughly the size of a large pitbull.  I said “STAND BACK CHILDREN!”  But the children did not stand back.   I said it again and they did. Charlie said “what about my backpack?!!” I said “leave that to me…”

As I looked at the squirrel, their beady little eyes seemed to fill with fire.  I gently lifted the bag and that is when the magnificent beast charged at me. It was probably going to try and knock me over and eat me like a pet snake eating a rat! (just because this behavior has never been observed in squirrels doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen). In that split second I thought to myself that a hawk is the squirrel’s predator, so to imitate a hawk I let out a high pitched scream just as it CLIMBED ONTO MY SHOE!!!  My quick attempt at biomimicry saved the day and the wild creature ran off.

I shouted “all third graders go inside and don’t stop til you get to the classroom!” and we did. Later we found out that the squirrel, who the children now refer to as Applesauce, got into the first set of doors at the main entrance!  What happened next I am sure is just as harrowing a tale of courage and quick thinking as the 3rd grade story but we were inside by that point so I don’t know. 

By Kevin Mitchell